Why there be no Catholic suicide bombers

I believe in starting out strong and this is a hell of a subject to start off with but to hell with it. Under the cover of anonymity I’ll shy away from no subject and I’ll write about anything at least once. Maybe. If I have time.

If you’re Catholic and easily offended it’s probably better if you don't read this post. It’s better for both of us. Trust me.

I’ve been wondering for quite some time why it is we have Muslim suicide bombers while no other religious group has decided to go down that path. Why don’t we see Catholic suicide bombers? Catholics have some pretty strong opinions about a lot of stuff, for example abortion, but it seems like it’s all talk and no action.

I've also wondered why there are no militant Buddhists. The Buddhists in Tibet have had a reason to be peeved for over 50 years, really peeved in fact, yet they have shown no signs of taking it to the next level. I've spent considerable time wondering why. I'm no wiser.

These are the things I ask myself when I wake up in the middle of the night worrying about the state of the Universe. The good news is, for me that is, that I have  figured out why there are no Catholic suicide bombers which meant that I could at least get one night of fitful sleep. Yay for me!

It all started with a work colleague of the lesbian, environmentally friendly, raised-in-the-Catholic-faith-believer-no-more, liberal, feminist, definitely socially conscious and slightly nerdy persuasion bringing to my attention that a nun in some predominantly Catholic little town performed an abortion on a woman and was as a result ex-communicated from the Catholic Church. Well, duh you say! It's not like she shouldn't have known better. As it turns out, the nun performed the abortion because the woman in question suffered from a rare condition that meant that she would die if she continued with the pregnancy. Having an abortion saved the woman's life.

The resulting ex-communication of the nun is not completely surprising but it made me think that it seems that the Vatican favors children, or even potential children, over women. They're not exactly shy about treating women as second class citizens what with the whole no female priests thing, and apparently it’s OK to sacrifice a woman to save a potential child. Why? I’m not taking sides here. I’m just asking why.

One reason, and by now we are all familiar with the whole priest and sexual abuse of children thing, so let’s not beat around the bush and sugar-coat it, is that they want more children. If these children are orphans or unwanted they are a lot easier influenced and one should think easier to seduce, if you can call it seduction. A bit of a controversial thought I know but bare with me because what’s at the heart of this post is why there are no Catholic suicide bombers, right? You’ve not forgotten, I hope.

As we are all well aware by now the Muslim suicide bombers do the whole suicide bombing thing because they're certain that it'll mean they go to heaven and then to sweeten the deal further they also get 72 virgins. You can see where this is leading I’m sure because the natural conclusion is, based on the anti-abortion stance and the whole priest child sexual abuse thing, that the reason Catholics don’t suicide bomb is that they get their 72 virgins before they die so why go and do something so silly as blowing yourself up. Zero incentive.

Just a natural conclusion. Don’t shoot the messenger.