Monday, January 30, 2012

Fat People - Life After Death

The whole fat issue is not worth discussing, it's really not. It's simple maths. Eat more calories than you burn and you're fat.

If you're fat you're eating too much. End of story. You're not big boned.  You can try to convince me but I'm not buying it. I went to school. I know skeletons don's show up as soft rolls on the outside of your body. If you keep thinking that you're just big boned you're as wrong as a sultana in a salad. Period.

I don't mind fat people. They don't bother me. The people who bother me are the ones who believe in life after death and still refuse to eat junk food!


You want to hang around here in this existence longer when you *know* you're going to spend eternity in a place that you think is better than here anyway. It doesn't make sense. You should have cake. There are zero ramifications for you. You're going to spend the after life being OK anyway so what the hell are you not eating cake for?! Have the fucking cake. Eat it! Stop pretending you're doing the right thing by not eating the cake. If anyone would be able to have cake without guilt it's you!


Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Rich and Stupid

Rich and stupid. There’s an unlimited supply of it! It's everywhere! You can't turn for the rich and stupid in this world right now! Time to rise and fight my friends! High time to rise and fight!

You cannot pick up a paper or peruse one online because it’s everywhere. It’s like one giant celebration of stupid and stupendous antics. We should be chanting that enough is enough but instead we sit back and pretend this is all news, like this is the way we all behave.

Whether we’re talking about an Australian middle-aged former cricketer romancing a ditzy ex-model Brit, an Australian footballer with an absolute gift for getting into hot water with the all so toxic combination of drugs and teenage girls, or a Hollywood star who’s obviously on a downward spiral – it’s about time we told the people who report on this crap to kindly fuck off and put their journalism training to better use. Clearly we will find out what Charlie Sheen’s up to without their help – he’s on Twitter now! Self-reporting, how much closer to the truth can you get?

Back in the day they kept stupid people on a short leash. Stupid people were given limited opportunity to express their views, they were kept hidden at home or only allowed to frequent the local watering hole. Any opportunity to talk at the public was limited to talkback radio which made it really easy to avoid with the added bonus of having plenty of other stupid people having the opportunity to in turn express their, often contrary, stupid views.

Somehow things have changed and they’re now allowed access to media but some of them seem to have achieved a worrying degree of power and influence. They get more than their fair share of attention and coverage.

Suddenly opinions of rich and stupid people are reported as news in mainstream media, they’ve completely taken over the social scene and instead of ringing talkback radio they’re now host it.

Somehow, and it’s beyond me to fathom how, stupid people have become trendy and hip, like it’s the latest app for iPhones or something, and it even seems like previously reasonable people have begun to aspire to being stupid. You cannot underestimate the impact it has.

Our mistake is that we see stupid people as individuals and that tricks us into thinking of them as rather harmless. If you start viewing them as a group, or as a trend, it becomes frightening and you can feel the panic start creeping up on you.

If you view them as a group you realise that they have a massive influence and that they are far more powerful than the Mafia ever was. Even without leaders or organisation they somehow manage to operate effectively and with incredible coordination. Our greatest mistake is to underestimate their power as a group.

It can be hard to identify stupid people; some of them manage to sound quite reasonable at times. It’s not like there’s a given characteristic that you can identify them by. They don’t have a large S tattooed on their foreheads.

People who are not stupid always underestimate the harmful potential stupid people have and they routinely forget that associating with stupid people invariably leads to pain and disaster of some sort.

A stupid person is the most dangerous individual there is. They may not have had training but one stupid person can cause more damage than a fully kitted out hoard of rampaging Rambos pumped up on steroids.

Do not be fooled into thinking that they are harmless! George Bush was elected president of the USA for Christ’s sake!

On top of the list of my rich and stupid favorites is Paris Hilton. She’s almost a category of her own and is most definitely the epitome of rich and stupid. If rich and stupid had an avatar or icon it’d be a picture of her. Without knickers.

What makes Paris more dangerous than most rich and stupid people is that we’ve allowed her to be seen as successful first and foremost. The fact that she’s incredibly stupid has been allowed to take a back seat. She’s somehow been made worthy of being some sort of role model for the young and impressionable. She is a perfect example of the role model that creates most of the problems.

Locally here in Australia we have ex-football legend Ricky Nixon, the last in a long line of ex-footballers to provide a sterling example of rich and stupid. He apparently thought it was a good idea to have some sort of, and I quote him, “inappropriate relationship” with a teenage girl who is, coincidently, also stupid (although perhaps not rich). They seem to congregate don’t they? Now this girl apparently had a history of emotional and sexual immaturity. Somehow he thought it was a good idea to keep her company…..

People of average and above average intelligence are stunned. Did he not think about consequences? Did he not weight up the pros and cons? Did he not see that hooking up with this girl could only be damaging to him. Apparently not! It was apparently a complete surprise to him when it happened.

It’s hard to imagine how his internal dialogue would have sounded in this case but perhaps it was firmly in the forefront of his brain that he’s a successful ex-footballer and that he’s therefore influential and desirable, and as such he leads an extraordinary life filled with money, power and sex. If you put it in those terms the whole thing may have seemed reasonable.

I suppose in the end, by calling these people stupid, we make it OK for them to behave the way they do. It’s like we’re providing them with the ultimate excuse. This way our ex-footballer becomes a victim rather than someone whose behaviour we ought to condemn or at least ridicule.

We have to stop this! We need to make being stupid undesirable and we need to fill the role model vacuum with some decent peoples. I’d even take Bear Grylls at this stage (you know, Man versus Wild). We have to stop making excuses for stupid people and we need to start really ridiculing stupidity and call these people what they really are: stupid.

So Charlie (Sheen), while living with two porn actresses and claiming that you can handle crack and booze I would like to tell you on behalf of all intelligent people in this world: You look like shit and you’re behaving like an arse! We like that you’ve created a twitter account but please limit your interaction with the public to that forum. We need a break! Take some tranquilisers.

And Lindsey Lohan: Come on already!

Britney Spears: Thank you for wizening up (if that’s what you’ve done).

Paris Hilton: Wear fucking knickers and shut the fuck up! Feel free to never leave your mansion again.

Footballers: Play football. Nothing else.

Sport stars in general: Play your sport. Don’t talk. Maybe model underwear (we understand that you need to build a nest egg for the future, you’re going to have to retire early).

George Bush: I still have nightmares about you being the president of the USA. Then I wake up and realise there are others like you in charge of other countries and as a group they are really scary.

My ex-neighbor: Your dog getting into my yard doesn’t make it reasonable for you to treat me like I’ve stolen the fucking mutt. And hey! While you’re giving me a speech about how you’re into “child protection” your little three-year old is running around with a sharp knife behind you. Maybe he’s trying to kill you because you’re stupid (in which case he has my support).

To all other stupid people: Please go away. I hear they are populating Mars soon. It will be fun!

Saturday, February 19, 2011


Footballers are nothing more than glorified borderline rapists who are paid obscene amounts of money to shepherd an object made of pigskin into a cupboard at the end of a field.

Nothing more - nothing less.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

An Inconvenient Gore

I wrote this back in October 2010 on another blog but I just couldn't let it die there...

It’s been decided that Al Gore’s little movie An Inconvenient Truth be part of the Australian school curriculum.


Personally I see no real benefit in scaring little kiddies with movies telling them that the world is coming to an end. That shit really scares the little bastards.

I also have a problem in believing that Al is somehow the poster boy for saving the world. The man lives in a mansion in Nashville, Tennessee, and the word mansion makes me think it’s a sizable joint we’re talking about. Reducing one’s carbon footprint my fat ass! Allegedly the power bill at Al’s place was in 2006 was 10 times the local average!

It’s not the only sizable joint he owns by the way! He apparently shelled out $9 million on an ocean-view villa. Kind of makes me wonder about those rising ocean levels he keeps talking about you know. I’m just saying…..

So if Al’s place draws a lot of power and is not all the eco friendly, in comparison, take this place, described in an article by the Chicago Tribune in 2001:

"The 4000square ft house is a model of environmental rectitude. Geothermal heat pumps located in a central closet circulate water through pipes buried 300ft deep in the ground where the temperature is a constant 67 degrees; the water heats the house in the winter and cools it in summer. Systems such as the one in this 'eco-friendly' dwelling use about 25 per cent of the electricity traditional heating and cooling systems utilise. A 25,000-gallon underground cistern collects rainwater gathered from roof runs; wastewater from sinks, toilets and showers goes into underground purifying tanks."

Who lives there? A man who’s been called an environmental criminal by the likes of Al…wait for it...George W. Bush! That’s who! Not that I like him either. The man’s cuckoo crazy in a way that makes me really scared to think of him having ever had as much power as he did when he was the president over there in the US of A. It made many of us feel very uncomfortable indeed knowing he had his hand on “the button”.

Back to Al!

When Al recently went to an environmental lecture in Gothenburg, Sweden, he apparently left his rental car idling outside for the length of time of the entire lecture. Local legislation prohibits any car idling for longer than 60 seconds. All distinguished guests had been asked in advance to use public transport if possible in other to minimize CO2 emissions by the way. Judging from the outrage the incident seems to have caused I gather that the lecture was longer than 60 seconds.

I just can’t help it. I just can’t help to think that since Al didn’t get to be president he needed to make himself notorious in some other way. It had to be a way that had way more impact on the average global Joe than having been elected the president of the United States has. With some good marketing he hit us right where our fears live and told us that our own little rock in space is doomed unless we repent and stop emitting CO2 at the rate we currently are. He got paid well do it and no doubt is still earning a decent dollar off it.

I just wish I had the brains and resources to pull something like that off. I really do!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Name Check

Couldn't agree more:

Reality Check: Jumping on Couches

From Sydney, Australia in the Daily Telegraph today:

"Megastar Tom Cruise has opened up about his bizarre couch-jumping escapade.

The Hollywood actor says he was confused by the backlash over his erratic performance on the Oprah Winfrey Show in 2006, when he leapt onto her on-set couch professing his love for Katie Holmes.

"What happened, happened,' he said. 'I wanted the audience to be happy just like I wanted to make my sisters and my mother happy when I did those skits as a kid, but I'll take responsibility for my actions.'

'It felt like being the new kid in the schoolyard again and the other kids are whispering and whispering about you and suddenly you hear what they're saying, and you think, What? That didn't happen. Look at the reality of the situation.'"

The reality of the situation Tom is that you behaved like a moron and people called you on it. The reality of the situation is that you are not as popular as you thought you were and people are not as tolerant of moronic behavior as we would sometimes like them to be.

Health Check: Smokin' 2 year old

From the United Kingdom:

In the Sun today there’s an article about this kid who’s 2 years old and smokes 40 cigarettes a day. Apparently his father, who I suspect owns shares in some tobacco company despite being a poor Indonesian man and who probably has another 40 children to support so losing one won’t matter that much, gave this kid his first cigarette at 18 months. They’ve got to learn some time, right?